[sorry if this is a bit fragmented]
So, I was looking at my college transcript and noticed that I have straight A+ grades in all my classes with female professors. It felt pretty good until I noticed that I have straight B+ grades in all my classes with male professors. I started to wonder, why?
I'm that person who works extra hard when I don't need to. I review things about fifty times before I turn them in. I give someone a handmade gift and immediately apoligize for the errors in the sewing. I get angry at myself when I can't perform something fast enough. I make dinner and size it up against my mom's cooking - every single time. Why do I do that?
I don't fully know. So, I started to think about my childhood.
I grew up in a house with four boys (if you include my dad), but I spent most of my time with my mom. I was her little helper around the house. When she went back to work I spent hours typing away on a typewriter at my own little desk in her workspace that her employer allowed me to use. I considered myself so lucky to be able to spend so much time with my mom even though she was at work. In truth my mom was my best friend. She taught me how to do everything, and she taught me how to be a traditional girl who would at some point become a doting wife. She probably wasn't conscious of it, but it's what happened. I played with my brothers, but I always, always felt left out. I could never play baseball like they could, I couldn't do anything the way that they could. At least, that's how I felt. We recently played a game of baseball with our whole family and I distinctly remember apologizing over and over for not playing well enough throughout the game. Isn't that insane?! I was repeating the same old habits as an adult.
It's not that insane. I do it all the time. I am always apologizing for my "supposed" shortcomings. I always think I'm not stylish enough, cool enough, smart enough, witty enough, pretty enough. I am the queen of denying a compliment. But, you know what? I am pretty awesome.
**Side note - I'm not mad at my mom. She and my dad encouraged me to go to college where I learned how to think about this stuff and analyze it. Thanks mom!
Today, my friend and I were talking about this problem I was noticing on my transcript and she said something that really hit a chord with me. She said, "I have been struggling with this for so long. I raise my hand and then pull it back down for fear of saying something stupid, and then someone else says what I wanted to say!" Isn't that awful? I told her that I have that happen to me all the time. I notice it more in my classes with male teachers because I tend to speak up less often in those classes. I've also noticed that in classes with dominant female attendance I perform well above average (and you can't pay me to shut up). In classes with more male peers I take a lot of notes, and I keep 90% of my opinions to myself. This is kind of a problem.
Why does our society condition females to be subordinate? Why do I constantly feel like I have to be the best in order just to be noticed? It's extremeley unfair. I'm going to work on changing these pressures on myself.
Step one: I'm going to read Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg.
Kels
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