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Sunday, September 11, 2011

So where do I fit in?

Conformity: (noun) Action in accord with prevailing social standards, attitudes, practices, etc...
(also this is a great book - Thank you Sarah D. for recommending it to me in junior high)

I often say that I was born into the wrong time period. Yet, I don't know what time period I would have preferred to be born into. I prefer to read, sew, cook and clean. Maybe I should have been at home in my rocking chair darning socks in the mid 1800's instead of standing in my kitchen on a laptop right now.

 My parents instilled in me a sense of confidence in myself. I was taught to be the best and most myself version of myself. There's a reason why my family sometimes has a hard time being all together. All of us are so much ourselves that we forget to be courteous to each other's feelings. But that is a whole different post. 

I spent basically 90% of my time with my mom as a kid and the other 10% with my brothers and my dad (don't get me wrong - we were all together but I seriously was part of my mom's shadow). I gained a lot of wisdom from my mom over the years - and I'm still trying to learn from her example. She taught me to be crafty and creative, how to clean like it's no one's business and how to love unconditionally. My dad taught me how to reduce, reuse and recycle, to enjoy the outdoors and to be patient. My brothers taught me how to be loud, rowdy and tough. Well I'm still working on being tough.. maybe someday I'll get there. 

In this society that we live in I find it hard to be myself. At work I have to be a toned down version of myself because my personality is too loud for our office. At home I have to be less of a "housewife" type and be more of a 21 year old. That is by far the most difficult part of my life. I want to make dinner and play dominoes. He wants to watch reruns of his favorite shows. Not that I don't enjoy the latter because I certainly do. At school I try to keep to myself but people are always bothering me trying to be my friends. I don't understand how me with my nose in a book means "please talk to me". It doesn't. Trust me. I read when I have time because my husband hates reading and usually tries to get me away from my books. I am a full blown nerd and I like it. 


Then I complain about not having friends. Well well well. Maybe I should read less? And yet whenever I make a new friend I think - how am I going to make time for another person? I probably invest too much time into one single person. Again, that's a whole separate post.  

I enjoy the company of people who don't threaten the type of person I am. I am accustomed to getting my way - I guess it's the youngest child syndrome - and when I feel inferior I don't consider it "my way" so I usually back myself into a dark corner and count the minutes until it's time to go home. I guess you could say I'm sort of a wallflower. But you wouldn't know it upon meeting me - herein lies my problem. I try to be someone else that everyone will like when really I'd prefer to be alone.

Maybe I'm still trying to figure out who me is. 
It's just hard to do that when I'm alongside my best friend who I can't ever get enough of. 

Maybe I'm a lot more like my brother Eddie than I thought. Eddie if you're reading this you get it. 

Kels

5 comments:

Ashley said...

I found your blog through 20SB when I was whining that nobody writes or reads blogs anymore :( I'm glad some of us still do. Anyway, I was thinking about what you said about living in another time - wouldn't it be great to live in the present time, but have the freedom to live our lives in any way we see fit? Why is it so unacceptable for someone to be "just" a mom/housewife/etc? Sometimes it seems like women's liberation has only added to the responsibilities a woman faces. It's no longer "she CAN do it all!", it's "she HAS to do it all!" This could turn into a rant, so I will cut it short :)

Carrie said...

My husband tells me constantly that I live in my books. Sometimes I think he's right. I mean, we get out, we do things, I have friends... But about 60% of the time I'm home alone is spent reading, and there are so many other things I could fill those hours with, had I the desire. But that's just the thing. I DON'T. lol.

What you said about wanting to make dinner and play dominoes sounds so familiar! But with me it's scrabble. I LOVE scrabble. And my husband hates a sit-down dinner, and would rather spend downtown on xBox Live... Alas.

Alex said...

This post is so relatable for those of us who always feel like we don't fit in, which is how I feel about 95% of the time.

SamanthaJacquie said...

Kels-

we are the same person. I am pretty much convinced.

And I love you. Shall we go see Perks of being a of Wallflower together? It being made into a movie ya know. With Hermione playing Sam!

Renee said...

If you want to be alone why do you visit me so often? Just kidding, I loved this post and I love everything about you.